shrug

time is a physician i cannot trust
he only teases
makes me think i'm being healed
then pulls off bandages
stained in blood
from wounds that are still open
"maybe you won't feel this pain so much
if only i give you a new one"
and so my tally grows
a few have finally healed
on their own
so wherever i'm not wounded
i am covered in scars

indifference reigns. i've so much to do and little time and haven't started. i wish i could make myself get on with it.
you all keep talking about being honest, but i think we all feel the same as we did. and we wish we could be honest. but some things are better left unsaid. what if you came out and told some guy you wanted to kiss him, or to sleep with him, or to marry him, or anything else. he'd probably appreciate your honesty, but he'd be pretty freaked out, and probably run away soon. i already know all of your reactions to my feelings if i were to talk about them completely. i think i ruined the best thing i ever had by being too honest.
scarlette says its better to have the highs and lows than to be constant. but what if the lows are so much lower than the highs are high? what if you never knew what the highs and lows felt like? i think you'd be content without the lows.

undone

"eclipse!" and depressed do not go well together...

add stress and a nagging parent (i'm a twenty something!) and you have a recipe for something bad, i don't know what, but bad.
i did not know it was possible to hate the sound of my own name. if i hear it again, i swear i will scream.

i sit and stare
nothing comes from this
nothing comes from nothing
and always has
and i have always died
one more death can't hurt
one more hurt can't kill
only me
and you
never knowing my nothing
a new beginning
another end
only this is constant
its changing again
and the music in my soul
asks again to be freed

beautiful

i saw a friend today i haven't seen in a while, and our families ate lunch together. he looks way hotter as a punk-goth than he did as a prep. that, along with clothing shopping today, reminded me of how not-beautiful i feel. i wish i were beautiful. and people say i am beautiful inside. but they don't see the inside, they don't know. i'm not really. and "physical beauty doesn't matter" is only to make the not-beautiful ones feel better. i don't think i'm ugly. just average. i'm tired of average. i think my worst fear has always been mediocrity. don't let me be mediocre. kill me first. i would gladly trade boring for dead. i'm tired. un-motivated. i've one thing to look foward to and it is all that makes me not want to give up now. the problem with single is i'm always alone. deprived. somebody please just hold me close.

whine

whine, bitch, complain. why do i feel this way today? i want to make you know, i want to tell you all, and you, too. i cannot make you know, make you feel, the searing pain, the empty numbing, and you think its lame. you don't want to hear me complain, you want to see the good. i don't blame you, i think i would too. certainly its more entertaining, the strange anecdotes about green icecream or a little brother's accidental haircut... something, anything to make you smile. but i use my smiles up, more than my share. i give them away though they aren't mine to give. i think i'm in debt for smiles. but i don't know who i borrowed them from. maybe its like a checking account and i'm going to pay hell for spending more than i have. there is something in my soul, almost in my fingers, that aches to get out onto these keys as i type, and it gets lost. somewhere between my heart and my brain. i lose the words, maybe they don't exist. the world has no method to describe this. i don't know what to call it. i'm angry, bored, indifferent. and you still don't know. what is the madness in me that causes me to desperately want you, all of you, to feel my life, know my secrets, hear my demons? maybe i am sure you will leave. i can prove that i am right and nothing lasts forever. then i will not wonder. i will know my pain, exactly how deep it goes. there is nothing like knowing the knife is there, but not knowing how deep it will plunge. maybe i think if you don't run away, i will not be alone. right now i am alone, i am still giving you smiles i don't have.

worms

nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms.

scarlette says i'm being an angsty princess. i don't care. i can't tell anyone how i feel because they don't understand. i had someone the other day tell me to get over something. but he doesn't know who i am, or why i can't get over it. my life is not the one i thought, and i have not come to grips with that yet, i guess.

if anyone reads this, they should know that this is my dark side. i don't put my light side here, why should i? i don't care if people see that side. i don't want anyone to see my demons. but i do, too. i want someone to understand, to feel what i feel, and to still love me. nobody loves you forever. everyone goes away in the end. don't tell me to quit being mellowdramatic. i will be what i want. and here i will be catty, or bitchy, if i want. don't hate me for it. be glad that i do it here to save our time together from the angst. you don't know how it consumes me, and i push it back, because i know what you will say. when it seeps out, its not all i was thinking. it was only that there was too much, i could not hold it. my life can never be wonderful. i was not made for that. maybe someday there will be good, but i feel too much, always, for the evil to go completely. this is me rambling in the dark. i am almost alive, and i want you to know it, but you like me better when i'm false.

haloscan...again

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

only once

they say you only live once, but i think you live as many times as you kill yourself before you die. i've had so much on my mind lately, and there's so much that i can't even begin to post. i haven't even been able to focus and write. i fear that this post will be extremely long. but i have the vague feeling that nobody will even care...
i think i am not just one person. i have felt recently that i am not myself, but that i am only watching myself. i don't feel like i belong to my body, or even my mind. its a desperate feeling. last night, events conspired to flash my old self in front of my eyes. i saw someone that i had known for a long time, one of my best friends, with whom i now avoid contact. but that happens with all of my best friends...gimme a while, i'll post about that too. but it was scary; i am afraid i've completely lost that person, and i don't want to.
there is no way i can communicate to you people what i feel, and i'm not even sure i want to. i don't know that the world really wants to know, and i don't trust anyone. recently i think people have talked about how much better it would be if we were all open with each other. but i think you all know that isn't possible. it would be foolish for us to completely trust anyone, much less, everyone.
none of you (being the csc) even know most of me, and i ever tried to explain, the reactions (of course different from everyone) would be unbearable. i know for a fact i cannot trust anyone. and thats not paranoia, i promise. i am very clearheaded and know what i'm talking about. the truth is, every person that you allow close is one more person that will hurt you. it is unavoidable. and the closer you let someone get, the more it will hurt when they turn on you or make a mistake or forget about you. its just that way.

haloscan

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

[edit]
alright, maybe y'all will talk back to me now. keeper says she thinks people with haloscan get more comments.