only once

they say you only live once, but i think you live as many times as you kill yourself before you die. i've had so much on my mind lately, and there's so much that i can't even begin to post. i haven't even been able to focus and write. i fear that this post will be extremely long. but i have the vague feeling that nobody will even care...
i think i am not just one person. i have felt recently that i am not myself, but that i am only watching myself. i don't feel like i belong to my body, or even my mind. its a desperate feeling. last night, events conspired to flash my old self in front of my eyes. i saw someone that i had known for a long time, one of my best friends, with whom i now avoid contact. but that happens with all of my best friends...gimme a while, i'll post about that too. but it was scary; i am afraid i've completely lost that person, and i don't want to.
there is no way i can communicate to you people what i feel, and i'm not even sure i want to. i don't know that the world really wants to know, and i don't trust anyone. recently i think people have talked about how much better it would be if we were all open with each other. but i think you all know that isn't possible. it would be foolish for us to completely trust anyone, much less, everyone.
none of you (being the csc) even know most of me, and i ever tried to explain, the reactions (of course different from everyone) would be unbearable. i know for a fact i cannot trust anyone. and thats not paranoia, i promise. i am very clearheaded and know what i'm talking about. the truth is, every person that you allow close is one more person that will hurt you. it is unavoidable. and the closer you let someone get, the more it will hurt when they turn on you or make a mistake or forget about you. its just that way.