whine

whine, bitch, complain. why do i feel this way today? i want to make you know, i want to tell you all, and you, too. i cannot make you know, make you feel, the searing pain, the empty numbing, and you think its lame. you don't want to hear me complain, you want to see the good. i don't blame you, i think i would too. certainly its more entertaining, the strange anecdotes about green icecream or a little brother's accidental haircut... something, anything to make you smile. but i use my smiles up, more than my share. i give them away though they aren't mine to give. i think i'm in debt for smiles. but i don't know who i borrowed them from. maybe its like a checking account and i'm going to pay hell for spending more than i have. there is something in my soul, almost in my fingers, that aches to get out onto these keys as i type, and it gets lost. somewhere between my heart and my brain. i lose the words, maybe they don't exist. the world has no method to describe this. i don't know what to call it. i'm angry, bored, indifferent. and you still don't know. what is the madness in me that causes me to desperately want you, all of you, to feel my life, know my secrets, hear my demons? maybe i am sure you will leave. i can prove that i am right and nothing lasts forever. then i will not wonder. i will know my pain, exactly how deep it goes. there is nothing like knowing the knife is there, but not knowing how deep it will plunge. maybe i think if you don't run away, i will not be alone. right now i am alone, i am still giving you smiles i don't have.