Tuesday, September 14, 2004

fight

wanting so hard to hit someones. everytime i think of them, i just scream inside, and my mind begins to formulate ways to throw a punch if i can't do it physically. it isn't hate, just anger, desperation, helplessness.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

live

there are so many things i wish to say, and nothing that i know how to say. i want to live, but i don't know how. i want to change my history. i am torn. i have been used and taken. there are pieces of me i can never get back, and i don't know how to tell myself that is ok. its like losing an arm or leg. sure, life goes on without it, but it will never be the same; you will always know that you have lost something that you shouldn't have.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

hell

i hate you and i love you. why don't you grow up and get over yourself? i am more than what you see. you don't know me. did you ever love me, or was i just good for your ego? i loved you for more than what you are.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

coffee

i never noticed how the coffee shop seem sad. it seems to have memories. in some ways, it seems it's been here for such a long time, where old ladies could come to remember friends and times spent over coffee in their younger days. there is an immortal sadness over the mortality of the human race. the whole world seems to remember that people have lived, died, and been forgotten. but you can only find that memory in the quiet places. the world doesn't want to remember, and the busy-ness often drowns it out. but if you are still, sometimes you can hear the wind or the music, the trees or the old architecture whispering of the people that are forgotten and the memories that no one has recorded.

Friday, September 03, 2004

tatoo

i have a wound. it runs so deep, it seems it will never heal. every morning i wake up with the pain and every night i fall asleep with it. it is a dull pain now, but it doesn't go away, and everything is tainted with it. it is like waking up with a tatoo i didn't want. i try to wash it off and i try to cover it up, but it never really goes away. it will always be there with me, until it becomes part of me. i am used.

beautiful

it seems i've never been happy in the fall. but i think it is the most beautiful time of year, just as it begins to cool off, at the end of summer. as the leaves begin to change, the air feels different, and it seems that something is coming to an end. it is a beautiful time, but somehow sad. maybe that is why it is beautiful. i have a theory that nothing is truly beautiful without being, in some sense, a little sad or mornful. i've never heard beautiful happy music, or seen a beautiful happy painting. some of them may be considered happy, but the really beautiful ones have an element of sadness to them. for some reason, i've always been depressed in the fall. i don't know if that is why it is beautiful, or contrary to the beauty around me. maybe someday i will have a happy fall, and then, whether or not it is beautiful, i'll know.

you

why do you stand there thinking you are better than me? do you know your choices affect the rest of the world, or don't you care? i want you to know you are not better than us. you are the same as us. we are all here to live and die and we have no value of our own. we are all evil. we are all redeemable. you have not come to where you are because of you, but because that is where you have been placed. don't think that you have anything to do with that.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

edge

i find myself on the edge of grey,
passed beyond the light.
just half a step from darkness
and the dark is strong.
it wraps its fingers
around me. and through me.
i feel it pulling me to desperation.
i want to step back into light
but i have not the strength.
the light is pleading,
but the dark is pulling.
i gain only a little
with every struggle.
but i am tired.
and soon i will fail.

this is my blog

here i am. world, take me. i can say whatever i want because my friends will never see it. i will not tell anyone i have a blog, so anyone who sees it will not know anything about me. they will not think differently of me because they don't know me. i will never be seen by the world that sees my soul.