beautiful

i saw a friend today i haven't seen in a while, and our families ate lunch together. he looks way hotter as a punk-goth than he did as a prep. that, along with clothing shopping today, reminded me of how not-beautiful i feel. i wish i were beautiful. and people say i am beautiful inside. but they don't see the inside, they don't know. i'm not really. and "physical beauty doesn't matter" is only to make the not-beautiful ones feel better. i don't think i'm ugly. just average. i'm tired of average. i think my worst fear has always been mediocrity. don't let me be mediocre. kill me first. i would gladly trade boring for dead. i'm tired. un-motivated. i've one thing to look foward to and it is all that makes me not want to give up now. the problem with single is i'm always alone. deprived. somebody please just hold me close.