Sunday, March 26, 2006

in a moment

i see my life swirling in front of me, as if it were all put there into my head. none of it happened; memories were downloaded into me to torture me, make me think i had something before this nothingness. i am not in that hole any more, taunted by her and desperate to lose this thing they call life. i am here. i have things to do, maybe too many, but they are good things. but the greatest pains for me are memories, and the longer i live the more of them i will have. we are never free of the past.

Monday, August 15, 2005

meloncollie

she decides to take control. but control doesn't take to her. she thought it would be better if she were better. i can't take over her right now; she's just empty, something of an apathetic hopelessness. but she doesn't give up for some reason. she keeps telling me she can't go on that way and something has to change. she will just keep trying until it happens. but day after day it is the same. how long?

Friday, July 15, 2005

circus

heeheeheehaha... i couldn't have fucked up her mind better if i'd planned it. she is running in circles in her head. or spirals... never ending up in the same place twice, but never proceeding in any direction. she wants it all and can't give up any of it. its only a decision. the worst torture in the world to a mind such as hers. the world keeps dangling a carrot in front of her face, only to snatch it away as she almost has it. tempting lights, as stars, in front of her eyes, being snuffed out as she reaches. it is enough to make her mind numb with the frustration and giddy with the irony. and i sit idly by and grin a delicious smirk as i watch some of the best entertainment i've yet encountered. and even i don't have a clue what will happen next in this circus called her life.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

if i died tonight

i would want the world to know why. this is what i would tell it:
it was not her. she didn't kill me. not this time. she was still sleeping, or maybe sitting by idly, laughing at the irony that after all this, it was me, not her. but the moment i ceased to exist, so did she, though i know she doesn't mind.
it was only because i was tired. tired of all the photographs. it is as if much of my life has been a dream, and only the pain was real. i don't know how i got the photographs to prove it though. i don't know how i imagined happiness if i never actually found any, so there must have been an inkling of it somewhere. i was not miserable at the end. if i were, it would be her. and i saw hope. hope that i would make something of me, that i would not live in misery. but what would be the point if i could not hold the things that were precious to me? how could i really live my whole life in apathy or mediocrity? i got tired of running away, but i had nothing left to come back to. the up and down was old, and the smell of age brought moths that ate my soul. pieces of me were crumbling into dust, a dust that should not be seen until i'd been whole. finished. and i was just tired of willing myself to survive a day at a time.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

angry

ha! now she is mad. it is usually i who am allowed to be angry, but not today. i think my lack of recent writings has encouraged her to think more of herself. she seems to want to take over sometimes. i can't let her do that. if she loses me, she won't know how to deal with life. i may be her greatest adversary, but i am also the most loyal. i can't fade. for me to fade would bring disaster. if life were to become too easy, she would surely destroy herself in confusion. so today, i will speak for her. she is hurt. the anger of those who are nominally truest is something she must live with again. and even if the anger fades, there is a small scar from the hurt she had. when much is expected, she always tries to accomodate. but bitter and sarcastic remarks cause her to coil up, resist accomodation. when everyone wants something, and what she wants is drowned in attacks, she will begin to disappear. draw into herself. stay in bed. the world is a vampire, sucking her life and she will not fight back for she doesn't see any weapons.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

naming

i will now refer to myself as angerona. that is a name i have chosen because i believe she represents me very well. why? http://www.geocities.com/thefloweringmoon/agerona.html

becoming?

i have my own blog now. i can say what i want. i don't depend on her to speak for me anymore. but i am sure she will often enough- she has her own things to say that i never will.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

in

she let me in. i can post here now. but i am frustrated. this keyboard has an annoying space bar and people won't stop telling me what to do. would someone please give me an idea where i should go from here? opinions, please? stop running my life. i don't know where to start; i need help.