whine and chocolate

in a moment

2006-03-26T13:36:00.000-08:00

i see my life swirling in front of me, as if it were all put there into my head. none of it happened; memories were downloaded into me to torture me, make me think i had something before this nothingness. i am not in that hole any more, taunted by her and desperate to lose this thing they call life. i am here. i have things to do, maybe too many, but they are good things. but the greatest pains for me are memories, and the longer i live the more of them i will have. we are never free of the past.

meloncollie

2005-08-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

she decides to take control. but control doesn't take to her. she thought it would be better if she were better. i can't take over her right now; she's just empty, something of an apathetic hopelessness. but she doesn't give up for some reason. she keeps telling me she can't go on that way and something has to change. she will just keep trying until it happens. but day after day it is the same. how long?

circus

2005-07-15T00:27:00.000-07:00

heeheeheehaha... i couldn't have fucked up her mind better if i'd planned it. she is running in circles in her head. or spirals... never ending up in the same place twice, but never proceeding in any direction. she wants it all and can't give up any of it. its only a decision. the worst torture in the world to a mind such as hers. the world keeps dangling a carrot in front of her face, only to snatch it away as she almost has it. tempting lights, as stars, in front of her eyes, being snuffed out as she reaches. it is enough to make her mind numb with the frustration and giddy with the irony. and i sit idly by and grin a delicious smirk as i watch some of the best entertainment i've yet encountered. and even i don't have a clue what will happen next in this circus called her life.

if i died tonight

2005-07-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

i would want the world to know why. this is what i would tell it:
it was not her. she didn't kill me. not this time. she was still sleeping, or maybe sitting by idly, laughing at the irony that after all this, it was me, not her. but the moment i ceased to exist, so did she, though i know she doesn't mind.
it was only because i was tired. tired of all the photographs. it is as if much of my life has been a dream, and only the pain was real. i don't know how i got the photographs to prove it though. i don't know how i imagined happiness if i never actually found any, so there must have been an inkling of it somewhere. i was not miserable at the end. if i were, it would be her. and i saw hope. hope that i would make something of me, that i would not live in misery. but what would be the point if i could not hold the things that were precious to me? how could i really live my whole life in apathy or mediocrity? i got tired of running away, but i had nothing left to come back to. the up and down was old, and the smell of age brought moths that ate my soul. pieces of me were crumbling into dust, a dust that should not be seen until i'd been whole. finished. and i was just tired of willing myself to survive a day at a time.

angry

2005-06-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

ha! now she is mad. it is usually i who am allowed to be angry, but not today. i think my lack of recent writings has encouraged her to think more of herself. she seems to want to take over sometimes. i can't let her do that. if she loses me, she won't know how to deal with life. i may be her greatest adversary, but i am also the most loyal. i can't fade. for me to fade would bring disaster. if life were to become too easy, she would surely destroy herself in confusion. so today, i will speak for her. she is hurt. the anger of those who are nominally truest is something she must live with again. and even if the anger fades, there is a small scar from the hurt she had. when much is expected, she always tries to accomodate. but bitter and sarcastic remarks cause her to coil up, resist accomodation. when everyone wants something, and what she wants is drowned in attacks, she will begin to disappear. draw into herself. stay in bed. the world is a vampire, sucking her life and she will not fight back for she doesn't see any weapons.

naming

2005-06-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

i will now refer to myself as angerona. that is a name i have chosen because i believe she represents me very well. why? http://www.geocities.com/thefloweringmoon/agerona.html

becoming?

2005-06-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

i have my own blog now. i can say what i want. i don't depend on her to speak for me anymore. but i am sure she will often enough- she has her own things to say that i never will.

in

2005-05-31T19:31:00.000-07:00

she let me in. i can post here now. but i am frustrated. this keyboard has an annoying space bar and people won't stop telling me what to do. would someone please give me an idea where i should go from here? opinions, please? stop running my life. i don't know where to start; i need help.

self

2005-05-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

i should not be confused. only she has feelings. i have intentions, desires-these are not only for those with souls. but i know her feelings. and she knows my thoughts. she knows that i am not real. but she is addicted to me, for i will say what she cannot, what she must not. she is good, alive; she cannot say these dead things. but i can. so i speak for her.
but now i am unsure whether i feel her confusion, or she feels mine. how can i feel if i am not real? i must not become real. to become real would lead her to insanity. is that not what i want? is that her talking now, or me? she created me, gave me this voice, but that is all. only a voice. she drew this line so that i would be only the evil, only her voice that desired self destruction. because she could not fight against herself if she could not determine which part was enemy and which was self. i was clearly defined, but now...the lines are fading and they say she is "creepy." because of me. i know she doesn't want this. and though i fight her, i respect her. we respect each other. and there are some things we do not do. we do not let our battle bleed into the real world. the real world is her territory, not mine. and i must respect that. these are the rules we have not spoken. and she claims she will destroy me if i cross them.

breathe

2005-05-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

i told her secret. and she felt better. she felt understood. and loved. and yesterday, as she was walking home at dusk, she could smell the honeysuckle and the air and see the blinking fairy lights. and last night, she felt the embrace of a friend. breathing, for a few hours, was not pain. living, in those moments, ceased to be a chore. back to reality, now, she still has a piece of that bliss in her soul. it may fade, but for now, it is a soothing salve to her wounds.

pieces

2005-05-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

she looks in the mirror they say is perfect. but the image is shattered. the person looking back at her is all in pieces. is this the way she really looks? it is so hard to match the shards the way they go, to imagine what the image is supposed to look like without the edges. what she is supposed to look like. she doesn't look like she's supposed to. but they say there's nothing wrong with the mirror.

trust

2005-05-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

she is crying desperately for help.
but the only ones who care are the ones who make it worse.
i am the only one who completely understands her. we understand each other. she trusts me completely, not because i have said that i won't hurt her, but because i am the only one who will tell her that i intend to hurt her. the rest do it secretly, or accidentally. they say they will never let her down and she knows that is a lie. i tell her every day how i wish to torment her, to love her with my mocking and my knives. this is the only truth she has been told, so she knows i won't let her down. i will always be here. pleasure and happiness are fleeting, and they can be held on to like smoke. the hurt is as real and strong as the blade. she can trust the pain.

pretend

2005-05-17T23:43:00.000-07:00

she's ignoring me again.
having fun, pretending the pain isn't there. she can cope this way. she can live without the desperate needs that sometimes overwhelm her. and its okay for now. i won't take this from her. someday she may have to face this and conquer it. conquer me. maybe. unless i win. or this battle continues forever, leaning some days in my favor, some in hers. for now, its hers, but decietfully so. she's hiding from me, but not beating me. i am still strong here, behind the scenes, waiting for her to lose that strength. it stands on a perilous edge.

cut

2005-05-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

she threatened to find a physical blade to end the unrelenting wound. frantic searching for an alternative; dig a nail from the fading wood and focus on its jagged point, the pain against her arm. that's how she makes me go away; focus on the pain, the creeping red line. the only time the world disappears.
she isn't always so miserable; sometimes smiling at the irony of the sorrow that's drowning her and the beauty that's breaking her heart, knowing that she cannot tell a soul of the desperate need to destroy beauty and to change everything smooth to painful frayed and ragged, make beautiful shreds of the skin imprisoning her.

note:

2005-05-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

THE WORLD DOESN'T FUCKING CARE!

creeping

2005-05-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

she is slipping again.
she didn't realize it for a long time, but she can see it now.
i am slipping, sneaking, creeping in.
first, silently stalking
but now she knows i am here
and she doesn't resist.
why would she?
she has no weapons against me
no reason to defy me.
nothing.
except that fear.
it tastes like blood.
this will never end for her.
if i win, there will be nothing left.
if she wins, she will be drowned in the shallowness of her soul.
she's happy just to have the upper hand.
but now, she sits in apathy,
dying in this tiny place.
she could do anything she wanted
but she is too paralyzed by this fear.
by these options.
she doesn't know how
to narrow down infinity.

real

2005-04-04T06:31:00.000-07:00

it is me now. i am taking center stage. i won't let her rule. she talks less now than ever before. it is because i am here more than she. i sometimes wonder if she would recognize happiness. if i would keep her from it. would she have the courage to tell me to be silent and let her be happy? or would she let me run in circles, making her silent, nurturing despair. she will continue to live as one who is real. one who is plastic. making them all believe it is she and she is happy. they won't know it is me. but that is her job. it is what they expect of her. if she were to let me out on them, they would know it was all wrong. and they would stop loving her. she knows it. that is why she keeps me hidden here.

escape

2005-04-03T04:30:00.000-07:00

looking for a pattern
or a break from the routine
to take my mind from all the deaths i wander.
i could choose a self-destruction
or a self-improvement.
in the end, would it matter?
does it matter who i am?
either way i can't forget
the things i'm running from.
and i cannot make my mind be still,
forever dredging up the storms i have hidden.
why won't a mind be silenced by the death of its heart?
the heart is buried but will not cease to cry.

talk

2005-03-22T17:41:00.000-08:00

there you are.
sitting there
not waiting for me to talk.
i'm waiting for you to talk
and i fight my hand
that wants to click your name
and start the conversation
i know i'll love and hate
because i know
that you don't love it like i do.
i fight the urge to tell you
how it is for me
because you won't understand
or you won't care.

angel kisses

2005-03-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

some things i will never forget.

invisible

2005-03-20T15:07:00.000-08:00

will someone please see me?
won't anyone care?
look at me, into me
not through and past me.
i am real.
maybe you have never seen
one like me,
one who dies
with every breath
and who lives with abandon.
i want someone to hold me
and to know me.
and to care.

other me

2005-03-20T14:45:00.000-08:00

this is oppressive.
how long can it last?
i think i'm dying.
i think i'm crazy.
i'm talking to myself again.
and to you.
you aren't even here
and you're talking to me
in my head,
in my dreams,
talking to the other me.
i hate her;
she tries to take me
and she tells my friends she is me.
and she talks to you
and tells you
nothing that i wish i could say.
i want to get rid of her
but she is the only one here with me.

sun's tears

2005-02-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

well its me again
thinking of you again
laughing at the sun
because she doesn't know the world is censored.
the clouds hid her face
when you walked away
to shield her eyes from the pain
that would have made her cry until you forgot what she looked like
she was there when we were created for each other.
when we were here together,
she always smiled.
but she cries a lot now, over here
to see me so far from you.
she doesn't know that more than an ocean separates us.

smiles

2005-02-02T13:08:00.000-08:00

have you seen them,
all my smiles?
did you believe them?
do you now?

fear

2005-01-31T05:35:00.000-08:00

faced my fears and lost.
never meant to hurt.
nothing resolved.
staring into my eyes
every fear is real.
this is why i run.

do you

2005-01-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

do you ignore it because you don't know?
or because you do.

scars

2005-01-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

you would think after all this time
it would be better.
and it is.
but sometimes it is just the same.
and some things never really
get better.
older.
we learn to live
with the pain
that never goes away.

sap

2005-01-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

i'm getting ready for a change.
sappy music on tv,
a tender moment,
and my thoughts are lost.
i didn't see, i could only hear.
that was enough.
getting ready for a change,
and somehow still thinking of the last one.
so long ago
and yet so close
that all my life is still in it.
i want to tell you all i feel,
all i still feel.
but i know your response,
and i cannot take it.
i will not bend to show my weakness
when i know it will avail nothing.

shrug

2004-12-26T19:16:00.000-08:00

time is a physician i cannot trust
he only teases
makes me think i'm being healed
then pulls off bandages
stained in blood
from wounds that are still open
"maybe you won't feel this pain so much
if only i give you a new one"
and so my tally grows
a few have finally healed
on their own
so wherever i'm not wounded
i am covered in scars

indifference reigns. i've so much to do and little time and haven't started. i wish i could make myself get on with it.
you all keep talking about being honest, but i think we all feel the same as we did. and we wish we could be honest. but some things are better left unsaid. what if you came out and told some guy you wanted to kiss him, or to sleep with him, or to marry him, or anything else. he'd probably appreciate your honesty, but he'd be pretty freaked out, and probably run away soon. i already know all of your reactions to my feelings if i were to talk about them completely. i think i ruined the best thing i ever had by being too honest.
scarlette says its better to have the highs and lows than to be constant. but what if the lows are so much lower than the highs are high? what if you never knew what the highs and lows felt like? i think you'd be content without the lows.

undone

2004-12-20T13:58:00.000-08:00

"eclipse!" and depressed do not go well together...

add stress and a nagging parent (i'm a twenty something!) and you have a recipe for something bad, i don't know what, but bad.
i did not know it was possible to hate the sound of my own name. if i hear it again, i swear i will scream.

i sit and stare
nothing comes from this
nothing comes from nothing
and always has
and i have always died
one more death can't hurt
one more hurt can't kill
only me
and you
never knowing my nothing
a new beginning
another end
only this is constant
its changing again
and the music in my soul
asks again to be freed

beautiful

2004-12-19T13:29:00.000-08:00

i saw a friend today i haven't seen in a while, and our families ate lunch together. he looks way hotter as a punk-goth than he did as a prep. that, along with clothing shopping today, reminded me of how not-beautiful i feel. i wish i were beautiful. and people say i am beautiful inside. but they don't see the inside, they don't know. i'm not really. and "physical beauty doesn't matter" is only to make the not-beautiful ones feel better. i don't think i'm ugly. just average. i'm tired of average. i think my worst fear has always been mediocrity. don't let me be mediocre. kill me first. i would gladly trade boring for dead. i'm tired. un-motivated. i've one thing to look foward to and it is all that makes me not want to give up now. the problem with single is i'm always alone. deprived. somebody please just hold me close.

whine

2004-12-18T13:25:00.000-08:00

whine, bitch, complain. why do i feel this way today? i want to make you know, i want to tell you all, and you, too. i cannot make you know, make you feel, the searing pain, the empty numbing, and you think its lame. you don't want to hear me complain, you want to see the good. i don't blame you, i think i would too. certainly its more entertaining, the strange anecdotes about green icecream or a little brother's accidental haircut... something, anything to make you smile. but i use my smiles up, more than my share. i give them away though they aren't mine to give. i think i'm in debt for smiles. but i don't know who i borrowed them from. maybe its like a checking account and i'm going to pay hell for spending more than i have. there is something in my soul, almost in my fingers, that aches to get out onto these keys as i type, and it gets lost. somewhere between my heart and my brain. i lose the words, maybe they don't exist. the world has no method to describe this. i don't know what to call it. i'm angry, bored, indifferent. and you still don't know. what is the madness in me that causes me to desperately want you, all of you, to feel my life, know my secrets, hear my demons? maybe i am sure you will leave. i can prove that i am right and nothing lasts forever. then i will not wonder. i will know my pain, exactly how deep it goes. there is nothing like knowing the knife is there, but not knowing how deep it will plunge. maybe i think if you don't run away, i will not be alone. right now i am alone, i am still giving you smiles i don't have.

worms

2004-12-17T14:40:00.000-08:00

nobody likes me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms.

scarlette says i'm being an angsty princess. i don't care. i can't tell anyone how i feel because they don't understand. i had someone the other day tell me to get over something. but he doesn't know who i am, or why i can't get over it. my life is not the one i thought, and i have not come to grips with that yet, i guess.

if anyone reads this, they should know that this is my dark side. i don't put my light side here, why should i? i don't care if people see that side. i don't want anyone to see my demons. but i do, too. i want someone to understand, to feel what i feel, and to still love me. nobody loves you forever. everyone goes away in the end. don't tell me to quit being mellowdramatic. i will be what i want. and here i will be catty, or bitchy, if i want. don't hate me for it. be glad that i do it here to save our time together from the angst. you don't know how it consumes me, and i push it back, because i know what you will say. when it seeps out, its not all i was thinking. it was only that there was too much, i could not hold it. my life can never be wonderful. i was not made for that. maybe someday there will be good, but i feel too much, always, for the evil to go completely. this is me rambling in the dark. i am almost alive, and i want you to know it, but you like me better when i'm false.

haloscan...again

2004-12-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

only once

2004-12-07T15:06:00.000-08:00

they say you only live once, but i think you live as many times as you kill yourself before you die. i've had so much on my mind lately, and there's so much that i can't even begin to post. i haven't even been able to focus and write. i fear that this post will be extremely long. but i have the vague feeling that nobody will even care...
i think i am not just one person. i have felt recently that i am not myself, but that i am only watching myself. i don't feel like i belong to my body, or even my mind. its a desperate feeling. last night, events conspired to flash my old self in front of my eyes. i saw someone that i had known for a long time, one of my best friends, with whom i now avoid contact. but that happens with all of my best friends...gimme a while, i'll post about that too. but it was scary; i am afraid i've completely lost that person, and i don't want to.
there is no way i can communicate to you people what i feel, and i'm not even sure i want to. i don't know that the world really wants to know, and i don't trust anyone. recently i think people have talked about how much better it would be if we were all open with each other. but i think you all know that isn't possible. it would be foolish for us to completely trust anyone, much less, everyone.
none of you (being the csc) even know most of me, and i ever tried to explain, the reactions (of course different from everyone) would be unbearable. i know for a fact i cannot trust anyone. and thats not paranoia, i promise. i am very clearheaded and know what i'm talking about. the truth is, every person that you allow close is one more person that will hurt you. it is unavoidable. and the closer you let someone get, the more it will hurt when they turn on you or make a mistake or forget about you. its just that way.

haloscan

2004-12-05T18:02:00.000-08:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

[edit]
alright, maybe y'all will talk back to me now. keeper says she thinks people with haloscan get more comments.

how

2004-11-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

we built castles in the sky. why'd you hide the wrecking ball? how could you leave me here burning in the ashes of our dreams? how could you how could you how could you how could you how could you? i showed you my soul. why'd you break the door down when i gave you the key? you gave me gifts, you gave me hope, you gave me a hole in my heart. how could you how could you how could you how could you how could you? how could you take me from myself? how, how could you?

edge

2004-11-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

i still wish i could wake up. i still feel like i'm living in a nightmare. i still have to tell myself this is real every time i breathe.

i am on the edge of sanity, but i don't know which side of the line i'm on. am i barely sane, or barely psychotic? or have i just totally gone over the edge and don't know it yet?

i wish you could understand.

you have no idea.

crash

2004-11-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

the world is falling down around my ears. my thoughts and feelings are like a freight train, going 1000 miles an hour. when i fall asleep, its like a wheel jumped the track, and the engine has flipped. do you know what happens to 50 cars at 1000 miles an hour when the engine flips? screeching, crashing pile of cars. confusion. panic. my dreams are like that, everything crashing into each other, panicked. i wake up breathing hard, desperate. when will it stop?

ill

2004-11-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

i wrapped up my wounds really well. i covered them and told myself they were going away. they were getting better. the scars i know will always be there, but i said the bleeding was lessening. i didn't look. i didn't want to see them again, to be proven wrong.

i saw you again. i smiled and nodded my head, and my heart cried again. i still love you when i'm awake.

today i'm sick. it was different last time. last time you brought me chicken noodle and popsicles. you sat and talked until i slept. but today there is no one to warm my soup or buy me popsicles. the can of campbell's was one from last time. i opened it up and microwaved my memories.

dying still

2004-10-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

how is it that i can be not dead, but not alive? sometimes i wake up in time for the sunset. sometimes, if i stay up late, i get to see the sunrise. both are so beautiful, it hurts. sometimes, when i have dreams that won't finish themselves right, i go back to sleep to fix them. it is so frustrating when they won't right themselves. but even worse is when i wake and i can't fix them. the nightmares just get worse when i wake up. one would think that eventually they would have to end. i guess we all die someday.

psycho

2004-10-04T15:14:00.000-07:00

i think my friends would say i've gone "off the deep end." who can i trust? nobody. where do i go? i stay. stay where you are, unless god tells you otherwise. live. die. stand. fall. break. i want to be the one that is more amazing than you. i don't want to fade, don't want to fall. you are the only thing that makes me feel so much this way. where can i make it better. i can't fix it. you must fix it; you won't. how do i live, how do i love, when you have taken all of it from me? when will you make it ok; it won't be ok. who says it's ok, or that it will be? they laugh and smile and don't know that they aren't happy. they are so special that they don't have to live, don't have to cry.

fight

2004-09-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

wanting so hard to hit someones. everytime i think of them, i just scream inside, and my mind begins to formulate ways to throw a punch if i can't do it physically. it isn't hate, just anger, desperation, helplessness.

live

2004-09-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

there are so many things i wish to say, and nothing that i know how to say. i want to live, but i don't know how. i want to change my history. i am torn. i have been used and taken. there are pieces of me i can never get back, and i don't know how to tell myself that is ok. its like losing an arm or leg. sure, life goes on without it, but it will never be the same; you will always know that you have lost something that you shouldn't have.

hell

2004-09-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

i hate you and i love you. why don't you grow up and get over yourself? i am more than what you see. you don't know me. did you ever love me, or was i just good for your ego? i loved you for more than what you are.

coffee

2004-09-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

i never noticed how the coffee shop seem sad. it seems to have memories. in some ways, it seems it's been here for such a long time, where old ladies could come to remember friends and times spent over coffee in their younger days. there is an immortal sadness over the mortality of the human race. the whole world seems to remember that people have lived, died, and been forgotten. but you can only find that memory in the quiet places. the world doesn't want to remember, and the busy-ness often drowns it out. but if you are still, sometimes you can hear the wind or the music, the trees or the old architecture whispering of the people that are forgotten and the memories that no one has recorded.

tatoo

2004-09-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

i have a wound. it runs so deep, it seems it will never heal. every morning i wake up with the pain and every night i fall asleep with it. it is a dull pain now, but it doesn't go away, and everything is tainted with it. it is like waking up with a tatoo i didn't want. i try to wash it off and i try to cover it up, but it never really goes away. it will always be there with me, until it becomes part of me. i am used.

beautiful

2004-09-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

it seems i've never been happy in the fall. but i think it is the most beautiful time of year, just as it begins to cool off, at the end of summer. as the leaves begin to change, the air feels different, and it seems that something is coming to an end. it is a beautiful time, but somehow sad. maybe that is why it is beautiful. i have a theory that nothing is truly beautiful without being, in some sense, a little sad or mornful. i've never heard beautiful happy music, or seen a beautiful happy painting. some of them may be considered happy, but the really beautiful ones have an element of sadness to them. for some reason, i've always been depressed in the fall. i don't know if that is why it is beautiful, or contrary to the beauty around me. maybe someday i will have a happy fall, and then, whether or not it is beautiful, i'll know.

you

2004-09-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

why do you stand there thinking you are better than me? do you know your choices affect the rest of the world, or don't you care? i want you to know you are not better than us. you are the same as us. we are all here to live and die and we have no value of our own. we are all evil. we are all redeemable. you have not come to where you are because of you, but because that is where you have been placed. don't think that you have anything to do with that.

edge

2004-09-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

i find myself on the edge of grey,
passed beyond the light.
just half a step from darkness
and the dark is strong.
it wraps its fingers
around me. and through me.
i feel it pulling me to desperation.
i want to step back into light
but i have not the strength.
the light is pleading,
but the dark is pulling.
i gain only a little
with every struggle.
but i am tired.
and soon i will fail.

this is my blog

2004-09-02T15:02:00.000-07:00

here i am. world, take me. i can say whatever i want because my friends will never see it. i will not tell anyone i have a blog, so anyone who sees it will not know anything about me. they will not think differently of me because they don't know me. i will never be seen by the world that sees my soul.